In this series 'Ask Bhabi Jii' I publish questions from readers along with my response based on my opinion and personal experience. I encourage fellow readers to reach out and share your experiences and opinions so that it may assist the writer and any future readers in similar circumstances.
In the interest of privacy the writer's identity will always be kept anonymous. Therefore questions are edited to change any information that may be revealing. No nasty or distasteful comments will be accepted, this is a supportive community to share experiences with no judgement.
I've Fallen For A Punjabi Man Who Found Me Online. How Do I Trust He Is Genuine?
Dear The White Punjabi Bride,
I've just discovered your blog, so I am excited to get feedback from someone who can understand my situation.
I met my honey 16 months ago when he found me online randomly and messaged me. We have talked every single day since as he's not like anyone I've ever known. At this point he's become one of my best friends and I honestly don't want to picture life without him in it.
However when we first started talking, my ex told me that he did some digging on his background. He was vague but said that this guy has all kinds of girls he talks to online and a wife as well. That I was being fooled as he has many women sending him things all the time. Now I should also note that in the beginning he would like and follow a lot of 'sexy' girls photos and profiles on Instagram and after I had seen he commented on a girls photo of her eyes, I confronted him and asked why.
He assured me it meant nothing but since I was bothered by it he deleted his Instagram account and told me that my happiness was worth more. As far as the allegations my ex was making, I told my honey and he suggested that I ask him to show me everything he was claiming but my ex produced no evidence.
I was very upfront about everything when we first started talking as I am older than him and I have 4 kids. So I was very skeptical of why he was interested in talking to me, but he always said he just wanted to get to know me more. He told me he almost got married but she cheated on him and he has been single for the past few years. Really we spent the first few weeks just talking friendly talk.
Sometimes I would bring up sexual conversation but he would be quick to say sex isn't everything. He wanted to find real love and he believed it was possible if both parties were seeking it and that distance taught the true meaning of love. I've never heard a man say such meaningful words. Gradually feelings were sparking and he sent me a gift one day that said I love you. I told him don't tell me that. I was adamant about not saying it back because I just wasn't ready to tell him, due to my past, even though I was falling for him.
I asked right away how his parents felt about interracial dating, because I am of mixed ethnicity, and I wanted to know how they felt about black people. He assured me they were not traditional. His older brother married a girl from Indonesia and they have a little girl who my honey absolutely adores.
He sends me pictures of everyone, videos of his life such as farming & festivals, and even calls me his wife. He has sent me clothes, punjabi sweets, bangles, snacks for my kids, a doll for my daughters birthday, and a backpack for my son, yet I've never sent him anything. He even gave me his credit card information to pay a bill, and his log in information for amazon so I can use it.
He wants to be a pilot and if he comes here he would like to study to become one. He was supposed to come here for my birthday but covid-19 happened, so now we don't know when we will meet. Reading your article made me think how I've never talked to his mom on voice or video call, although I've texted her. But then again who knows if that was really her or not because I know you can fake those kind of things.
I have brought this up with him and he said he's asked his mom, but she is busy and her English isn't the best. Is that a red flag? I am also very shy on video calls with him and he's pointed that out if I'm to talk to his mom, I can't be so shy. He also calls me moto or motiye which I know is a term of endearment, but I am much bigger than any Indian girl I've seen. But he's always telling me how he likes me and accepts me how I am.
I would like your thoughts on the situation from an outsider's perspective who has experience with the Punjabi Culture. He is adamant that he's coming over no matter what and wants to marry me and give me his surname. He tells me I'm bossy and a badass and to never change that and it's his responsibility to keep me happy by spoiling me as my smile is worth it.
Sometimes I can't believe that I've found him and I wonder if I am over thinking the situation as I'm overcoming a lot of insecurities from my past relationship. But at the same time I don't want to let that stand in the way of having a future with him. Yet I've also heard entirely too many scammer stories which leaves me unsure of what to think.
Do you see any red flags in our love story?
Anonymous
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Dear Anonymous,
Firstly it's lovely to hear from you, and thanks for reaching out to me.
Wow what a whirlwind romance, it all sounds very exciting yet overwhelming. Up front your story reads either way, as there are certainly red flags that I see, yet with that said, there are also genuine men out there and plenty of successful interracial marriages. So at the end of the day I always say to trust your intuition on a person's character, as you would be the best person to make judgement.
The reason why I pick up on red flags in your story is simply because, as you said, there are many ingenuine people online. What I have experienced with a lot of men who contact you directly online via social media platforms, is that they contact any woman from countries such as America, Canada or Australia with the sole purpose of striking up a relationship.
Now its their intentions behind why they've striked up a relationship with you, that you want to be weary about. As with many underdeveloped countries, people become opportunistic to survive and try to better their lives for their family. Therefore there are many men who try to strike up a relationship with foreign women in another country, with the hopes of obtaining residency. It's no coincidence that these men are only messaging or commenting on only foreign women's profiles who have citizenship in countries such as America, Canada or Australia.
But with that said it doesn't mean their feelings aren't genuine should this be the scenario, as it may just be the case that they initially reached out with such intentions. Therefore there is every possibility that they do fall in love, and will be in it for the long haul. So whilst they may have reached out to start a relationship for residency there's no reason why they could not genuinely fall for you.
In some instances it is not dissimilar to an arranged marriage which can be viewed as a business transaction that mutually benefits both parties. Therefore some see this situation as an opportunity for business, whereby it benefits them and their family by bettering their lives, in exchange for a doting husband or in some instances a financial gain.
Though there are unfortunately some men who are in it simply for gaining residency so that they can later file for divorce. These men would definitely be considered scammers as their sole intention is to achieve their goal of residency with as little repercussions for them as possible. They purposely target women who are vulnerable or from low socio economic backgrounds if there is any financial gain involved, and are citizens of countries such as America, for example.
The reality is that faking a love marriage has a higher probability of receiving residency than a marriage for financial gain. All without the need to be at a financial loss by paying a lump sum, in exchange for their residency and without any legal repercussions, as the likelihood of your relationship being questioned is slim.
With that said, the process for obtaining residency is such a tedious and arduous one, so much so, that it would seem impossible that anyone would be able to fake a marriage. The biggest test of any relationship is time, and gaining residency will certainly be a long process.
Therefore your ex partner may or may not have made those allegations genuinely. There is every chance that he was attempting to sabotage your new relationship, if he still has feelings for you. Or he may just have your best interests at heart if you're still on good terms, and noticed some fishy behaviour and thought he would alert you to it. So as I said earlier your situation can read either way, and only you have the other pieces of the puzzle.
Now when it comes to the Punjabi Culture, no man will ever announce to his family lightly that he is in a relationship with a woman who already has children. Punjabi's are very family oriented and parent's have waited their entire life to see their children have children of their own. To announce that you will become a step parent will typically mean that you will become the gossip of the community. So for a man to wear that proudly does say a lot about his character.
Even my husband when he dated his ex girlfriend who had children, kept that a secret from his family during their entire relationship. Whilst being older and/or divorced, can also be seen as taboo in their culture, they are only secondary to having children. Being older is only really an issue when it impacts your ability to produce grandchildren. Now your beauty isn't something I would see as a concern, as there are some women who are bigger, or bustier, or taller, or shorter, so there is no one size fits all. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder.
Though there shouldn't be any reason why you wouldn't be able to speak to his mother on the phone or facetime, just to introduce yourself to one another. Not speaking English or being busy aren't exactly a reason to not be able to wave and say hello at the very least, or even have him translate what you both say. I am not sure how being shy would be an issue to not be introduced. Now this isn't necessarily a red flag as it may just be that he isn't ready yet and possibly may not have told his family yet.
Now I say all these things without specifically passing judgement on your situation, but am simply giving you my insight to help guide your intuition, as you know this person better than anyone else. Especially since I am not privy to your entire interactions with one another, so my comments are just possible scenarios, therefore please don't take them to mean anything other than that. As I tell everyone, trust your intuition. Also ask yourself, what do you want? What is the worst that could happen, and would that outcome be acceptable to you?
I hope this helps you, and that your situation turns out for the best.
The White Punjabi Bride
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Related Article: Ask Bhabi Jii - Is My Punjabi Boyfriend Using Me For A Green Card?
What do you lovely readers think?
Do you think this man may potentially not have her best interests at heart? Or do you believe that love conquers all obstacles, and she should take a leap of faith for love?
What would you do in this situation? I'd love to hear your insight or experiences, so be sure to leave your comments below in the comments field.
If you have a question that you would like published anonymously, to gauge your situation from others perspective who are in similar positions, then simply contact me directly.
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